Art Is Hard
What is there to write when it feels like I can barely even think in complete thoughts?
Today, as I sit down to write, my head feels a bit like a Plinko ball. As I woke up today, the ball of my mind was dropped in and, as the day has gone on, it has bounced from thought to idea to task to thought and back again. Even now I don’t feel I am fully focused on writing, my attention not on anything else but just… drifting.
And that’s just how it is some days. I try to keep my focus and direction and move myself towards something, but recently, as I’m faced with what feels like endless life changes and redirects, I feel like I’m floating through. While that has had a negative connotation to it for me in the past, this time around it’s a floating feeling that is accompanied by acceptance, releasing control, and faith.
Because much of what I am faced with right now is not up to me. It’s not up to me to control the outcome, to feel I need a tight grip on every detail, on every thought, on every moment. No, over this past week, I have been coming to terms with the idea of simply allowing. It’s as if I have been fighting a river, trying to build a dam in order to redirect the water but finally realising that the water will flow downhill all the same without my involvement. Sure, I may not know where it ends up if I relinquish that control, but is it not worth it if I am more at peace in the moment?
This of course doesn’t mean I’ve given up and no longer strive for the things I desire, but rather I no longer believe I need to fight every moment I am trying to move life forward. Some moments can be still, some can be slow-paced, some can have these feelings of floating—and that’s okay. Even something floating in a river is moving. It may not be fast movement and it may feel as if I’m not doing as much as I could or should, but it’s movement that is dictated by the Universe and not just me attempting to put my control into every opportunity I can.
If this is what it takes to put my mind at ease, than so be it. I’ll take that for some respite from all that can happen in this life, accept it with gratitude, and find what I need to be putting my energy and focus into from here on.