So This Is Where We Begin (Again)

Funny How Time Can Drift Away

I was on a roll and felt really inspired to write when I first moved here to Australia, and yet it fell off and I stopped making it a priority. I have felt the pull to start again and have been telling myself I am going to, and yet it has taken me quite some time to get there.

So Why Did It Take So Long?

The easiest way to explain why is I felt as if I lost my voice. Not literally, of course, but I had thoughts in my head that I had the inability to put out into words; It all felt somehow stuck. Throughout this time, I had this knowing inside of me that I need to connect with the writing side of myself again and yet I just couldn’t get myself to put words down.

Add to this feelings of isolation and disconnect from people, and I began to have thoughts of “Who cares” and “Who wants to hear what you have to say?” and “What makes you so special to demand attention from others, anyway?” This spiral just saw me go more and more into my own head and my own world without really feeling as if I had an outlet to turn to.

The progress of life played a huge role in all this as well. I have had to remind myself that it’s not like I just changed careers or moved cities; I moved to an entirely different country. In August I will have been in Australia for two years and it has been a rollercoaster in many ways. Life has shifted a lot, and there are days where it still feels tough to gain proper footing and like I’m not quite there with building a foundation, but I’m learning to give myself grace and be patient with myself.

I was fortunate to legally start working almost a year ago now. I gained employment the day after I was given clearance and thought I had found a company I could stay with for some time. Unfortunately, after just a few months, I began to realise that the place I was in just wasn’t for me. I foresaw that I would be fighting an uphill battle to be able to find a place for myself within the company and to feel like my voice and opinion was valid. And so after just nine months of working, job searching for almost four months of that, I was able to land a new position in a new workplace that has much more potential for upward mobility and an overall better work environment for me.

So How Does This All Tie In?

The months nearing the end of that time with my previous employer, my mental and emotional energy was completely drained by the time I arrived home from work; I just felt like I had nothing left in me to give. Not to myself, not to my partner, not to the household, and not to the person I wanted to be. The thought of adding in more to my life seemed overwhelming and the thought alone caused me to feel exhausted. I wasn’t eating great, wasn’t exercising as much as I would have liked, and was putting almost no time towards the future I truly want to build for myself.

Towards the end of my employment, I decided to take on something I have been considering since I moved out here: 75 Hard. With two 45 minute workouts and reading 10 pages a day - among other things - it has forced me to put time into things that I know I need to do but haven’t been prioritising. The biggest perspective and wake up call I have gained is that I have time in a day if I make the time. If I truly want the life I believe I do and to become the person I believe I can be, I need to commit to investing time into the person I want to be and towards the life I wish to live.

Writing is that time. Re-focusing my efforts on my self education is that time. Giving myself space to gain clarity in my coaching goals is that time. And so building the habits of showing up - even when I don’t feel like it, even if I feel like nobody cares or nobody will read any of this - is going to be my focus from here on. To be honest, part of that commitment scares me because I don’t want to disappoint myself again and I don’t want to fall short on my goals yet again, but I need to push past this. I need to commit and move forward and put the work in I feel needs to be done in order to move things forward.

So with that, here is to the beginning (again).

Onward and Upward